Lovelessness – The Ultimate Problem of Our Society: Dr. Aida Mirzayeva

Lovelessness – The Ultimate Problem of Our Society

Dr. Aida Mirzayeva, PhD (Therapist, Cardiologist, Pharmacologist)

“Parenthood has no rules: create, spread, and believe in the power of love”

Emotional balance is the key to mental health. We cannot discuss happiness without talking about health. All vital processes begin in the brain. Most mental disorders, including depression, stem from feelings of sadness. To begin with, let’s understand what it scientifically means to be unhappy. Unhappiness can be defined as a decrease in the brain's happiness hormones – dopamine, endorphin, and serotonin. People try to increase these hormones through food like sweets, carbohydrates, and so on. However, a diet of such foods leads to an unhealthy lifestyle in the long run. Many people get trapped in a cycle of overeating in pursuit of happiness, only to become overweight and still feel unfulfilled. Another way to boost happiness hormones is through physical activity, but sadly, only a small number of people engage in sports nowadays.

In my opinion, the best way to achieve genuine happiness is through love. Love is the ultimate way to feel happy. In our society, people don’t know how to give or show love; they feel it but cannot express it. We will discuss this further, but first, let me share another secret to achieving true happiness – making someone else happy. It's important to feel joy yourself while bringing joy to another person.

This idea becomes even more captivating when applied to children. As a doctor and mother of two, I believe love is the most important gift we can give to our kids. They need to feel our love. Without receiving love, children will be unable to give love to those around them. The issue of love is particularly intense for boys, as showing love is often seen as a sign of weakness in our society. Such a mindset not only harms a child’s future but also destroys any possibility of healthy relationships, including romance and friendships. No matter how stressful our daily lives become, we must make time for our children. It is our responsibility as parents to teach our children about love: what it is, how it feels, how it looks, and how to love others. After years of effort, I now feel I can teach my children how to love and express it.

Before delving into my findings on this topic, let me take you back to my own childhood. It was far from romantic or ideal. Despite this, I now raise my children reflecting on the feelings I had back then. I remember my deep desire to feel love from my mother. She failed to show it, but now I realize she did love me – she just couldn’t convey it the way I needed. I believe the reason lies in the educational system and values of the Soviet Union, where I grew up. My parents’ generation didn’t receive enough love, so they couldn’t give it to me and my siblings. I strive to ensure my children don’t face such disappointments. Proper parenting is not just about keeping them fed, clean, dressed, and well-educated. Above all, I aim to teach them how to love.

Parents have two paths when raising their children. The first is to follow in their parents' footsteps, which is easy since they have a model to follow. The second path, though difficult, is to do the opposite and raise children in a way that avoids many potential mental health issues. If we want healthy children, we must prioritize their happiness.

Every day, we need to show our children that we love them. It’s not about buying expensive toys or sending them to elite schools, but about spending time with them, listening to their stories, talking about their challenges, and considering every small detail of their lives. Not every child can open up about their problems unless asked. It is the parents’ duty to ask these important questions, and I do this every day: “Are you happy in your class?” “Do you have any problems at school?” “Let’s solve them together.” Every child needs to feel valued, as this greatly supports their mental development. By teaching our children about love, they will learn to love themselves and develop self-confidence.

When my son was five, many advised me against sending him to an English school, saying he wasn’t smart enough and lacked drive. Despite the doubt, I believed in him. I enrolled him in the English school, and by the end of the first semester, he was at the bottom of the class. I began learning English with him, and within three months, he was third in his class. After three years, he ranked first. I believe if we trust in our children, they will believe in themselves too. Every time I visit his school, I feel proud and continuously show him my affection, which serves as his greatest motivation.=

Children who feel loved by their parents experience inner peace. They love and show love to those around them. This is vital for relationships and friendships. Children raised with love can help others, teaching them about love – especially those who may not even understand what love is.

I guide my children with kindness and respect for their feelings and opinions. Respecting their thoughts is the best way to teach them how to communicate with others. If they feel respected in childhood, they will easily show respect to other people's opinions later in life. They can talk to me about anything, knowing that I’ll offer helpful advice without judgment. I never try to force my views on them. Instead, I present valid reasons and let them decide. For example, if my son wants fast food, I allow it because it makes him happy, though I explain why it’s unhealthy. Sometimes he agrees with me, and other times he doesn’t. But I value his happiness more than healthy food. Similarly, I don’t allow him to use his phone before or after karate class, explaining that his brain needs rest from physical activity. If I simply took the phone away without explaining, he might come to hate karate or be angry with me. I avoid such conflicts by showing that my decisions stem from love and care.

The best compliment I’ve ever received came from my daughter, who said, “Mom, I know sometimes you feel miserable, angry, or irritated, but you never let us feel it. You always hide it from us.” These words are precious because I want my children to always remember me as a supportive, cheerful, and loving mother. Truly, I feel on top of the world for having such loving and understanding kids.

Just like in physics where energy cannot be created or destroyed but only transformed, love can be seen as a form of energy. If we love our children and they grow up with this feeling, they will be able to love others, and in turn, others will respond with love. This is how we can create a world filled with love, kindness, friendship, and happiness.